Deep breath and slow release - and prayer.

"Don't be bitter, don't be bitter - don't grow tired of doing good to others, no matter what's been done to you ...Lord help me."

I have to pray these words about 10 times a day lately. I haven't had to pray these words in a while. We've recently been screwed - once again - by someone we considered a close, wonderful friend.

My heart sinks to the floor these days. They say you can count your friends on one hand. Man, that's about right. Our list of people that we can confide in, laugh with, share good memories with, invite into our lives consistently, dwindles to an all time low.

Joe and I ask ourselves everyday - "Wow....are we really that bad? Is there a chance that our efforts to show love to the people in our lives are really cut down by continuious ugly chatter behind our backs that we are genuine pieces of crap? Do people just plot to step on us at the right time? We have only the best and purest of intentions - there must be something wrong with us."

After a deep breath and slow release, we remind ourselves that its just a part of life. I hate to keep people at arms length, but sometimes you have to (not always though, thank God). You're a fool if you don't keep a distance with some. Find those who can be counted on as much as you feel you can count on yourself, and bring those close. But even then, be cautious, i'm learning. That's so sad. So sad.

Now that we are in a new place - in life, all around - we are able to prune our lives a little. I just pray that we can prune the ones that speak darkness into our lives, and embrace those (old and new) that only speak hope and light, as we can to them, as well.

Another deep breath and long release - and prayer... "Don't be bitter....."

Dreams

I've been sleeping restlessly lately. I think I have been for quite some time. I'm going to start recording my dreams here as they are vivid and often disturbing. Possibly not disturbing to others, as much as they are troubling to me - but yes, sometimes still disturbing to others.

Last night, rather this morning (as most of the dreams I remember are the dreams that I conjure up after awaking once in the morning, and then falling back asleep for a short amount of time), I dreamed about the beginnings to the destruction of our world. I dreamed that I was surrounded by people that have been in my life in the past, mostly people who have mocked or scorned me for whatever reason, or have "tolerated" me in the past for the sake of using and then tossing aside. We were all together for whatever purpose, but at one point we were in a large open field of wheat and tall grass staring over a horizon as far as one could see, with an interesting sky, with a dark crazy cloud approaching, and flying over head. Once the cloud approached, we realized that it wasn't a cloud at all, but a legion of "something." I knew in my soul what it was - a legion of demons - but I was aware that I was the only one who knew what the cloud consisted of, and understood the terroristic meaning of the legion. THe others seemed curious and somewhat scared, but blew it off as if they had convinced themselves that it was simply a dark storm cloud, nothing more. But they couldn't explain, but blatantly ignored, the little shots of blinding light that would shoot out of the cloud in small pods, almost like lightning bugs at high rates of speed. I instantly intuitively understood these lights to be angelic forces. THe scene changed once to all of us being on a deserted beach with another cloud flying high overhead. In my heart, I wasn't scared at all - but instantaniously knew what it meant, and began to pray. I told a few people around me that if they understood the prophecies inthe Bible concerning the destiny of our earth that they should pray, and pray hard, as "it was beginning." ENd of dream, I awoke.

Its been a long time since I have studied the Biblically prerecorded events that will happn in the last days - Revelations and some of the prophecies of the Old Testament. I have a hard time remembering the teachings, but I do remember some - but in many ways, I don't believe that those who taught me had any clue as to the depth of the passages, therefore, I feel somewhat unprepared. I've gone back and reread to understand on my own, and also believe that there is a chance that many to most - to maybe all - of the passages speak metaphorically. Until I can get back into reading about it, I wont' show my ignorance, but I still choose to believe that Christ is the King (and will forever). No matter the sequence of events of the last days of our current existence, I have prayer and faith, and that will be enough to withstand the upcoming challenges.

No matter what, I believe all that is happening in the Holy Land is just evidence of the spiritual warfare that is unseen to the eyes who choose not to look deeper, or to those who are spiritually inept.

Just one piece of advice - pray, my friends, and love. I know that we aren't far from the ultimate challenges of our faith. God have mercy on our world.

Can I offer you a love thumb?

Joey's favorite thing these days while cuddling is to offer you his favorite thing - his thumb. He hasn't offered it to me yet... just Joe. Maybe he just offers his flavored treasured thumb to his bestest buddies. (I must have cooties already so I'm not his bestest buddy.) Joe said that he'll cuddle in close to you, giggle with you and make little gurgles, and play with your face, and then the next thing, he pokes a slimy thumb toward your mouth, and you have to take it, or else you aren't buddies.

How can you resist a slimy little thumb from a face like this????



We're doing pretty good these days. I'm still having my moments. (Thank you to you two "anonymous" commentators... Your words of encouragement help keep my train of thoughts on the rail.) I'm still trying to understand it all, and I will. Every day brings something new, and I'm sure the puzzle will make sense after a while...maybe. And if not, that's ok.

Joey's tough, these days. He's learning to communicate in a new way. He's a strong little booger. He hates when I try to change his diaper, and he understands that crying will bring about response. Up until now, all the material I've read is that you can't spoil a child of this age yet. Well, I think we've hit that breaking point. Time to STOP spoiling him. We are not going to be letting him fall asleep at night in our bed (and transfer him to his own after he's completely out of it.) He's now able to expect that, and make his own bed transition an issue. He's still pretty good about going to sleep in his own bed, but sometimes he will toss a little fit if we put him to bed when he doesn't want to go, or else when he'd rather cuddle with us before falling asleep. We've got to set the precedent, and we are doing so, and its working.

He's also communicating on what foods he does and does not like. Unfortunately, to my mommy dismay, he doesn't like veges (just like his great granny!) but he loves fruit. I was afraid that fruit was too "sugary" for his little body, but I've found a DHA Gerber food that has combos of fruits, like apple bananas with oats, and pears wildberries with granola, etc. Its PERFECT!!! I tried some "Beef Stew" stuff and he hated it. (I should have known he would hate it when I opened the package and gagged myself.) That stuff is NASTY.

Anyway, he just woke up from his nap (another thing we are instating into his little day). I supposed I should go get him. ...he's been taking naps, but off and on. Now, I'm mandating a mid morning nap and a early to mid afternoon nap - that way he can be in bed by 9pm.

He's a good little booger. Want a thumb?

Ramblings between 11:18 and 11:52pm

Not sure what to write about tonight. I just have the urge to write. Its 11:18pm, and its been a long day. Suppose I'll just ramble.... maybe something good will come out. I've got a lot of things flying around in my mind.

Life here is good. Its a change. Its better than where we were. Worlds better. My heart is settled in that fact. It is not easy, by any means. This new little town is stifling small....a bit like my hometown in Iowa. I'm managing though.

The best way that I get by is to think of this little town as a "village" of sorts. Childish, I know. But I know its about the only way I'll keep my head, I think. I've longed to travel overseas again for so long, and I know the next opportunity may be next to never, with the way the world is becoming. I almost think of this sleepy town as my little Italian village that I would love to linger in someday. Inside each village, there are locals that have been there all their lives, who know the history and the other locals. Inside each village are jewels like, little markets and hidden restaurants and cafes and shopping. This little village is starting to grow a lot, so those little hidden treasures may become more valuable in time. It has a little town square with a railroad track that passes directly through the middle. How charming! And around the square you can find the water company, the court house, a funeral home, a couple of bars, a little shopping (limited) and a few other things such as a tae kwon do gym and an attorney office.

Not far from here is a hyped up town I'll call "O." I'm not sure what to think of "O" yet. Sure, its one of the fastest growing towns in this state, but I don't find its value to be as it is all cracked up to be. The University tends to smother the growth. They want to have the big chunk of the action, and take all the credit. There is a lot of money in "O," but I'm not all that impressed. Its a "source" I suppose, for this small village that I live in to draw from if needed, but in the meantime, I like my village.

THis change of pace has brought a lot of settling in my soul and heart, but a lot of unsettling in my mind. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm sure it will to those who read on. The Lord took our lives and turned it to a different direction on a dime. I was going down one road that He made it seem was the way I was going to go for quite some time. Lesson learned: don't get too comfy. But I didn't really get all the comfy, but comfy enough to feel displaced right now. I never was comfy in the Music Business, albeit, I've never thought anything else to be my calling. And that is where I struggle. I have a new life now. One that I'm overjoyed with, and will never look back or say "I should have done....instead" or "I wish that I had/hadn't....." I love my life.

Where I'm going with this....... my new life..... I'm just coming to grips with some things, personally. I guess the biggest thing is that I don't know where my place is in this world anymore. Suddenly i'm not single and childless, and throwing my caution to the wind anymore, traveling here and there, meeting people left and right that could throw my career into a new direction. I'm now married with a child and living in a small village, rooting out the people in my life that cause my heart harm. A total 180.

DON'T GET ME WRONG. I complain NOT. I'm the luckiest woman in the world (er, blessed....luck doesn't exist, but in this case, the word sounds best in this sentence). I love my husband and son and puppies, and they are my world, my breath, my life.

I understand that ultimately, my "place" in this world, right now, is to be Joey's mom, and Joe's wife and support, and I'm called to manage our household. I've just never seen myself ... here ... In a sense, essentially doing nothing but counting the minutes until my husband, my partner, my best friend, comes home from work.

Now i'm crying. I don't want to ever dismiss my life as mundane. Its not. I'm just struggling with understanding where I fit in life now. That's all. I feel like i'm 18 years old again and just leaving for college without a clue to where I'm supposed to go. My heart is unsettled in the fact. I don't have a job. I just do dishes, wash clothes, make dinner, feed the baby, and then wait. This is not me.

And the biggest part is I feel like my life is a ticking time bomb, that my minutes are as precious as seconds, and that I'm wasting valuable golden time, but I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing with my time. Its driving me crazy.

(big sigh) I'm happy. I'm overjoyed. I just have moments of contemplation that sideswipe me. I'm right where I need to be, and that's right where I'm supposed to be, because that's where God needs me. And there's where my soul overrides my mind - I know in my heart and soul that the Lord will place me in the right pockets of life where he needs me to make a difference.

Lord - please just don't forget about me, ok?

Look who's home!!!! YAY! I can't wait to see him! Its been over two years. Dan's got a new nephew to cuddle and I can't wait!

We this past weekend we moved in the 1st load of stuff to our new place in MS. Its a 5 bedroom house and we are going to be able to use one (huge) bedroom for storage, as well as the entire garage. Weee! We stuffed the garage clear full already and we set up our office. Its going to work perfect for us. Joey has his own room, and we have a huge office, as well as a guest bedroom (so that means y'all need to come visit.) We have a big fenced in yard in the back where our puppies can run around. Its nice. Very much a blessing. Its 2 minutes (if even that much) from Joe's new office at the Budweiser Wholesaler.

We are home in TN now picking up the rest of our house to move. We have 2 floors left to pack but the bottom floor is completely gone. We'll be outta here by this Friday. Joey is with Joe's folks so that we can fly through everything without having to tend to Joey. Not that he's a bother....NEVER is that the case! But we have only so much time to fly through this stuff.

The big ol' update

Hey all - its been a while....I know. We're doing fine, despite. Somethings in life just stink. Stink bad. In a nutshell, there is someone doing us very wrong, in a business sense. Very wrong. Legally wrong. Personally wrong. Financially wrong. Just wrong.

I know the Lord will take care of us. All in His due time, right? Its hard to stay strong though, in the midst of adversity. Thank God for divine strength. Someday I'll go into the story....maybe. I haven't decided whether I will protect this person's (and their partners) identity on this blog. They deserve a bad public beating, but I suppose if I talk about it, I will be taken to court for defamation of character...even though we already have a case against them for that very thing.

Ahhh well. My blood boils, but my spirit is calm. Sort of....

On to better things....

Joey is growing!!! He's absolutely the most amazing thing my world has ever witnessed. He's going to be 6 months old at the end of this month. He's been a dream to travel with, and we've been on the road for the last month. He hasn't seen his own crib for some time, and he seems pretty content with the pack and play. Last month he learned how to flip over from his back to his front, and he has a bouncer now that he jumps into and just goes to town. Just recently, in the last week, he's learned how to flip from front to back now, and he's starting to get the notion of crawling. He scoots, which is really cute. If you leave him on his Baby Einstein gym and leave the room, he'll be scooted off the mat onto the carpet with in moments. he's amazing.

He goes in for his 6 month check up in a few days, believe it or not. Joe and I estimate a 20 lb weigh in. He's a big boy.

We started feeding him rice cereal with Applesauce about 3 days ago. At first he thought it tasted much better than pasty rice cereal, and ate it with joy. Now its a little tougher to feed to him. I'm not sure why, but he doesn't seem that interested. We start him on bananas tonight.



Here's the little man and me at the farmer's market last month buying some flowers. He's amazing!!!!

Lately...

On this past Monday, we returned from a wonderful week-long trip to Mississippi to see Joe's mom and dad. We had a wonderful time hanging out with "Mae Mae and Papa" but of course, it was much to short. We also spent most of our time doing taxes. THroughout the week, Joe and I were trying to run the business as well as figure out income vs expenses. We couldn't really concentrate until Saturday and Sunday when the phone wasn't ringing and the emails weren't pouring in. We still had the best time! We can't wait to go back.

We're excited....in about a week or less, we are heading to Iowa to see my folks and introduce Joey to my "side" of the family. I cannot wait!!!! I haven't seen my family since last year sometime. It will be nice to get home for a few days. AND...our phones hardly work at my house so we will definitely be on vacation. Lets hope anyway.

NOthing else going on, seems like. Joey is growing and growing. He had his 4 month check up the other day. He is about 15 1/2 pounds. He's absolutely perfect, Dr Moss said. We will start feeding him some cereal twice a day starting tomorrow. This should be interesting and funny. We'll make sure we have the camera ready! Its going to be messy I'm sure.

Joey spends his days playing, of course. He spends a lot of time reaching for the things in his crib and exploring the way things feel. He has a brand new teddy bear that our dear friend Steve "peanut" Oliver brought him a few weeks back. He loves it so much! Joey is learning his own voice more and more each day, and is very vocal. He likes to talk A LOT. Whenever he is near his "friends" (whether its his animals hanging from his mobile or his buddies hanging from his car seat handle) he's telling them all about his day and what he thinks. I love to hear his little voice. He has vocal inflections down....now we gotta work on the words and pronouniations. I'm very patient. :)

Joey loves to laugh. He's figuring out what's funny to him. He loves funny faces, and for his onlookers to stick their tongues out at him. WHen you poke his face lightly, he giggles. He loves it when you nuzzle up on him...he laughs and laughs.

He is the sweetest thing I've ever known. His demeanor is just angelic. He is an absolute angel of God. Joe and I are still in disbelief every day we wake up, and we never forget to thank the Lord every time we pray.

Belly Rubs

Rudy just had to get in on the belly rubbing action. He gets a little jealous still, so he felt he was "due."

Reading time

Joe and Joey had reading time today. It was A MESS. Joe was reading from a Winnie the Pooh book, and Joey was listening intently. Next thing I know, I hear Joe read, "And Eeyor said...or Jackass...or whatever the hell his name is..." JOE!!!!!! AHHH!!!!

What am I going to do with him? Our poor son is going to think that he can use "those" words. I'm becoming more and more conscious of my language everyday, but JOe...i'm having to work on him. ha! PRAY FOR US!!!! :) Poor Joe is going to have some hard times. I can hear his kindergarten teacher calling now.......

Tour End

Here's a photo of Joe and his two buddies, Paul (left) and Brad (right), from the Seger tour. I had the chance to meet these two guys in Memphis. They took great care of my Joe while he was away from me. :)

THe tour is officially done, and I'm glad. I feel like a complete person now that he's home. He gets to watch his little man grow every day now, with hardly any interruption. Its gooooood to have him home. Ahhhhhh.......

By the way, Joey is growing so fast. He's trying to roll himself over now, and he laughs at EVERYTHING! He is quite the little character!