Not sure what to write about tonight. I just have the urge to write. Its 11:18pm, and its been a long day. Suppose I'll just ramble.... maybe something good will come out. I've got a lot of things flying around in my mind.
Life here is good. Its a change. Its better than where we were. Worlds better. My heart is settled in that fact. It is not easy, by any means. This new little town is stifling small....a bit like my hometown in Iowa. I'm managing though.
The best way that I get by is to think of this little town as a "village" of sorts. Childish, I know. But I know its about the only way I'll keep my head, I think. I've longed to travel overseas again for so long, and I know the next opportunity may be next to never, with the way the world is becoming. I almost think of this sleepy town as my little Italian village that I would love to linger in someday. Inside each village, there are locals that have been there all their lives, who know the history and the other locals. Inside each village are jewels like, little markets and hidden restaurants and cafes and shopping. This little village is starting to grow a lot, so those little hidden treasures may become more valuable in time. It has a little town square with a railroad track that passes directly through the middle. How charming! And around the square you can find the water company, the court house, a funeral home, a couple of bars, a little shopping (limited) and a few other things such as a tae kwon do gym and an attorney office.
Not far from here is a hyped up town I'll call "O." I'm not sure what to think of "O" yet. Sure, its one of the fastest growing towns in this state, but I don't find its value to be as it is all cracked up to be. The University tends to smother the growth. They want to have the big chunk of the action, and take all the credit. There is a lot of money in "O," but I'm not all that impressed. Its a "source" I suppose, for this small village that I live in to draw from if needed, but in the meantime, I like my village.
THis change of pace has brought a lot of settling in my soul and heart, but a lot of unsettling in my mind. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm sure it will to those who read on. The Lord took our lives and turned it to a different direction on a dime. I was going down one road that He made it seem was the way I was going to go for quite some time. Lesson learned: don't get too comfy. But I didn't really get all the comfy, but comfy enough to feel displaced right now. I never was comfy in the Music Business, albeit, I've never thought anything else to be my calling. And that is where I struggle. I have a new life now. One that I'm overjoyed with, and will never look back or say "I should have done....instead" or "I wish that I had/hadn't....." I love my life.
Where I'm going with this....... my new life..... I'm just coming to grips with some things, personally. I guess the biggest thing is that I don't know where my place is in this world anymore. Suddenly i'm not single and childless, and throwing my caution to the wind anymore, traveling here and there, meeting people left and right that could throw my career into a new direction. I'm now married with a child and living in a small village, rooting out the people in my life that cause my heart harm. A total 180.
DON'T GET ME WRONG. I complain NOT. I'm the luckiest woman in the world (er, blessed....luck doesn't exist, but in this case, the word sounds best in this sentence). I love my husband and son and puppies, and they are my world, my breath, my life.
I understand that ultimately, my "place" in this world, right now, is to be Joey's mom, and Joe's wife and support, and I'm called to manage our household. I've just never seen myself ... here ... In a sense, essentially doing nothing but counting the minutes until my husband, my partner, my best friend, comes home from work.
Now i'm crying. I don't want to ever dismiss my life as mundane. Its not. I'm just struggling with understanding where I fit in life now. That's all. I feel like i'm 18 years old again and just leaving for college without a clue to where I'm supposed to go. My heart is unsettled in the fact. I don't have a job. I just do dishes, wash clothes, make dinner, feed the baby, and then wait. This is not me.
And the biggest part is I feel like my life is a ticking time bomb, that my minutes are as precious as seconds, and that I'm wasting valuable golden time, but I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing with my time. Its driving me crazy.
(big sigh) I'm happy. I'm overjoyed. I just have moments of contemplation that sideswipe me. I'm right where I need to be, and that's right where I'm supposed to be, because that's where God needs me. And there's where my soul overrides my mind - I know in my heart and soul that the Lord will place me in the right pockets of life where he needs me to make a difference.
Lord - please just don't forget about me, ok?
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Ramblings between 11:18 and 11:52pm
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4 comments:
I can relate. Just keep your head up, stay patient, you'll figure things out.
We all have times like these when we wonder what we were placed on this earth to do. Often times while we wait for revelation an unbearable loneliness can set in. It is in these times God wants us to seek his face for knowledge, direction and understanding.
Recently, my life as I knew it turned on a dime as well. Just as if someone turned a light on and off hurriedly. There are days when I look back and feel regret about things I could/should have said and didn't for reasons I thought were best.
There are even lonely days for friendships gone awry. But God is giving me renewed strength and taking me in directions I never imagined. Had I not been through the storms I would never have found the rainbow.
Please do not be discouraged. We all know who has holds our future in his hands. We just have to be patient while he prepares the way.
I will keep you in my prayers.
You are not the only mom who feels this way. I have been where you are. Your words really hit the nail on the head.
For me it was an extremely hard transition from working to staying at home even though I wanted nothing more than to stay at home with our baby.
Then we had a second child and had to move to another Midwest state where the winters are very harsh and I knew no one. So I understand completely about the waiting.
The highlight of my day was when my husband got home. I feel guilty admitting that but it could be lonely with just a three-year old and baby to talk with all day.
Things turned around when I got involved in a moms and kids group.
We met once a week. It was a lifesaver.
Also, MOPS is a great organization.
It stands for Mothers of Preschoolers. I think their site is MOPS.org. There might be a chapter in your area. You don't have to have a preschooler to belong.
Another thing that may be helpful is to have a hobby just for you.
I started lap swimming again after our third child was born and it gave me a sense of purpose that I felt I was lacking. Even though my main purpose to was take care of our kids and home.
I hope this helps.
I think this is the only one near you.
http://www.mops.org/Groups/group_search.php?srctype=search&src=GS#result
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